Get Some Spanish Sun (Literally)

"The Prime Minister hates us, the wanker! Waaaah!"

In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s snowing. I ranted a lot this time last year about folk’s weather complaints so I’ll hopefully keep this short. The Transport Secretary, Philip Hammond, has ordered a review of the situation. Yes, a dreaded review. Mr Hammond said: “There are lessons to be learnt from our performance in every bout of bad weather and it is important that we learn those now.” Yeah, there are lessons to be learnt. Funnily enough there are always lessons to be learnt every time there’s snow, since FOREVER, yet they are not learnt. At all.
It doesn’t matter what is “learnt”, because it will never be implemented – flights will always be cancelled in severe weather, roads will never be fully gritted, trains will be delayed for hours and people will continue to attempt journeys even though they just have to switch on the news or the radio to be told it’s a fucking STUPID idea. We are incompetent and unprepared when it comes to snowfall every year, and that’s the way it will stay. Deal with it.

The Prime Minister has gone up in my estimation. No, not because he’s spending his week abroad trying to win a football competition in eight years’ time while his fellow countrymen spend nights in freezing trains. It’s because he has somehow managed to wind up Liverpudlians without even really trying. The BBC, or more specifically Mark ‘Rubbish’ Lawrenson, asked David Cameron to predict the scores for this weekends’ Premier League games.
The PM isn’t known to be a huge football fan as it is and in the video clearly just made things up on the spot. For a while it looks like he doesn’t realise you can get score draws, or scorelines other than 1-0. But then, THEN, they came to Liverpool v Aston Villa. “Well uh, obviously…6-0 Villa.” He didn’t say it to diss Liverpool because he’s an Aston Villa “fan” anyway. But we can just pretend he did. Nice one Dave!

My favourite story of the week was about the 49-year-old Spanish woman who decided to OWN THE SUN. Turns out that, although no country’s government can lay claim to bodies in outer space, individuals can. Now some Iberian Girl has conjured up the wackiest scheme possible – registering the Sun as her own property so she can profit from it! I know – why didn’t any of us think of it earlier, huh. Even more nuts is that, after beng successful in her claim, Miss Angeles Duran hopes to give 50% of any profit she makes to her government and only keeping 10% for herself!

"Whaddaya wanna do tonight Brain?" "Same thing we do every night Pinky - try to get our legal challenge accepted for ownership of the world!"